Finding My Voice

This week I had the worst sore throat I can ever remember having.  I could not swallow anything without pain.  I could not eat.  The only beverages I forced myself to take a few sips of were hot tea and broth.  On Memorial Day, last Monday, I called the Dr. and begged for some medication.  She called in an antibiotic Rx for what we assume was strep throat.  By Wednesday I was feeling better.  By Thursday I was back to work.  Routine was returning.  So were bad habits.

Once the pain was gone,  I no longer had to limit myself to tea and broth.  I was hungry.  On Thursday I ate a double cheeseburger for lunch,  with a Coke. I ate in my car before going into my afternoon job. I felt lousy all afternoon,  sluggish and queasy.  I was still hungry.  It was a poor choice.

The same was true with what I said that afternoon.  After work I had to attend a graduation ceremony for my 8th grader.  I was dreading the event because I knew I had to be there with people I don't like, sitting in a crowded auditorium for two hours.  My stomach hurt.  I was sleepy.  But there I was, making small talk before and after the ceremony with other parents.  I slipped into a familiar conversation routine -  a blend of  "can you believe how our kids have grown?" mixed with  " it's a shame what is happening with school funding"  and "we'll have to get the kids together over the summer."  It was forced,  shallow and fake.  It was not me at all.

Being sick made me mindful of every breath.  Of every time I swallowed and everything I ate and drank.  Although I don't like pain,  it does force you to be aware.  Once the pain was gone, so was the thought of what I was doing.  I was allowing myself to speak just to be part of the crowd,  say the things I was expected to say (and which often meant nothing), and mindlessly eat whatever was convenient.  I became lazy.  I can see that now.

So,  my point is that I need to remember to be more mindful.  Listen more than I speak,  and speak only when I have something to say.  I should think about what I put in my mouth,  and what words I let out.  It is not enough to be alive and well.  I need to live well and make a difference.